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Ninth grade, the night of the big dance: "Just be yourself" my mom says, sweeping the hair back from my face, "and stand up straight." Mixed message? Maybe, but most social exchanges require a balance between sincerity and goodwill on the one hand and finesse on the other. College application essays, or personal statements, are to a large extent social exchanges and require the same balance. Unless you get a chance to personally exhibit your talents -- through your portfolio or at an athletic event, an audition, or an interview with a member of an admission committee -- the essay is the closest you'll come to introducing yourself to the people who will decide whether or not you'll be accepted, so you want to make a good impression. As Scott Doughty, assistant director of admission at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, says, "The essay is really the one opportunity you get to talk about who you are."
With that in mind, let's meet your audience. Faced with piles of paperwork, difficult choices, and a looming deadline, the people who screen your applications work long hours throughout the winter months. It's in these months between the application deadline and the day acceptance letters are mailed that, as Matthew Swanson puts it, "you really pay your dues as an admissions officer." Swanson, an assistant director of admission at Williams College in Williamstown, Massachusetts, describes twelve-hour days of reading applications. "I'll spend a good amount of my life, when I'm not sleeping, either thinking about or involved in that process." By the time it's all over, he will have reviewed more than a thousand applications. At Carnegie Mellon, fourteen staff members process fifteen thousand applications and participate in weeks of "midnight madness," working from half past seven in the morning until midnight.
Purpose of the Essay
With so many applications to review, why do colleges add to the burden by requiring a personal statement? After all, they have plenty of other factors to consider, including grades, recommendations, and test scores. You might be surprised, however, to know just how important the essay can be. Swanson sees it as an "anchor" for the whole application and considers it to be especially useful for highly selective colleges like Williams. "We do a lot of looking at numbers … but among the many, many students who are academically qualified, of which there are far more than we have spaces for, the essay can be a real touchstone for someone in my position." In other words, if you're on the line between acceptance and rejection, the essay can be the deciding factor. Doughty at Carnegie Mellon concurs. He feels that a strong essay, one in which it's clear that the student has a sincere desire to attend Carnegie Mellon, is a big help when the student's application is borderline. He adds that many applicants don't even make the effort to proofread their essays carefully and, relying solely on the computer's spell checker, end up spelling the school's name like a certain summer fruit.
Showcase Your Writing Skills
Personal statements are a great opportunity to demonstrate your ability to write well. In addition to the basics -- accurate spelling, consistent use of tense, subject-verb agreement, and other mechanics issues -- your readers will be looking for higher-level composition skills. Whether you're applying to an art school like the San Francisco Art Institute, a small liberal-arts school like Mills College, or a university like Carnegie Mellon, the ease and clarity with which you express yourself in writing counts. Joan Jaffe, associate dean of admission at Mills College in Oakland, California, reads essays for good sentence structure, coherent paragraphs, and logical arguments. "We really want to get a sense of the student's writing ability," she says.
Create a Self-Portrait
Think of the personal statement as a self-portrait or a clip from the movie of your life. This is true even at art schools, where admission decisions are often based largely on student portfolios and where admission officers learn a lot about applicants through their work. Mark Takiguchi, director of admissions at the San Francisco Art Institute, told MyRoad that his team looks at the essay as an "extension of the portfolio; together the portfolio and the essay form a picture of who the person is."
The essay is probably your best chance to come alive to the admission committee. Doughty discusses its role in relation to the rest of the application: "The essay's the one thing that's different; everyone's taken the same AP tests, the same classes … Recommendations always say, 'Hey, good kid, nice to have in class.'" Sometimes students feel pressured to mention all of their activities and accomplishments in an essay, but Swanson warns against this. As he points out, other parts of the application, such as the activity chart where you list your extracurricular activities, serve that purpose. Remember that one of your goals is to introduce yourself to the reader and hopefully form a connection. Essays that try to cover too many topics leave little room for you to develop your main idea, sacrificing depth for breadth, and leave the admission committee feeling like they don't really know you.
DO write an essay that only you could honestly write. If it's possible that the reader will read anything similar from any other applicant, go back to the drawing board.
DO convey a positive message overall. Cynicism will not score points with the admission committee.
DO strive for depth, not breadth. Focus on one event or idea rather than trying to cover an entire subject. Think personal and anecdotal.
DO reject your first idea or angle. It's probably been used a million times.
DO be interesting; but more important, be yourself. Convey your true and genuine thoughts and feelings; don't try to portray yourself as someone with interests, values, and opinions that aren't really yours.
DO write about what you know and have observed or experienced firsthand, not about things that are beyond your personal development as a teenager. Book knowledge or other secondhand information does not convey to the reader any sense of who you are.
DO write about something you feel strongly about. If you write on a topic about which you have little interest or knowledge, your lack of sincerity and enthusiasm will show.
DO write about other people as well as about yourself. We are defined as individuals largely in terms of our experiences with others, and acknowledging this through your essay will help ensure that you don't appear overly self-centered.
DO be experiential, but avoid too much imagery. Relate to the reader the full scope of an experience—sights, sounds, and perhaps even smells. Be careful, however, not to overuse imagery; otherwise, the result may be a forced, unnatural style that gives the reader the impression that you are trying too hard to be creative.
DON'T let others—especially your parents—decide for you what to write. Feel free to brainstorm with others for ideas, but don't ask: "What should I write about?"
DON'T try to sell yourself or prove anything by convincing the reader how great you are, how smart you are, or how accomplished you are. Your definitive theories and brilliant solutions to global problems will not impress the reader. Admit it: you have many more questions than answers at this point in your life. Use your essay as an opportunity to wonder about life, to pose thoughtful questions, and to probe and investigate, not to tell the reader "the way it is."
DON'T try to write an important or scholarly essay. A well-researched essay that shows off your knowledge of a particular academic subject tells the reader nothing about you. The reader will only suspect that your essay is actually a recycled term paper.
DON'T try to guess what the admission committee wants you to write. This approach will result in a "safe" essay that will fall flat.
DON'T rehash what the reader already knows about you. Don't reiterate accomplishments or activities that are already mentioned elsewhere in your application.
DON'T appear overly idealistic. World peace and a clean environment are worthy ideals, but avoid coming across as "preachy" or fanatic. There are always at least two sides to every controversial issue, so recognize the merits of all sides. Otherwise, you might sound a bit naive.
DON'T waste your essay opportunity to explain blemishes or deficiencies in your application. A low grade, a low SAT score, or an absence of extracurricular activities is not a worthy subject for discussion in your essay. If you must defend a blemish in your record, contact the school and ask (anonymously) if you can attach a separate (and brief) explanation as an "addendum" to your application. As an alternative, ask your college counselor to clarify these points in his or her recommendation letter.
DON'T write anything that might embarrass the reader or make him or her feel uncomfortable. There's nothing wrong with discussing sensitive topics such as substance abuse, sexuality, spirituality, religious beliefs, and political views. Just be sure to treat the subject gingerly, avoid generalizations, and use a respectful tone. Otherwise, you may put off or even offend the reader.
DON'T write an essay that reads like a newspaper editorial. The schools welcome your opinions, but don't get on a soap box and appear overly critical of other viewpoints.
DON'T even think about mentioning popular television shows, movies, musicians, or actors, regardless of how significant they are to you; and please don't mention any Dr. Suess book. (The wastebaskets in admission offices fill to the brim every fall with Dr. Suess essays.)
The Do's
Unite your essay and give it direction with a theme or thesis. The thesis is the main point you want to communicate.
Before you begin writing, choose what you want to discuss and the order in which you want to discuss it.
Use concrete examples from your life experience to support your thesis and distinguish yourself from other applicants.
Write about what interests you, excites you. That's what the admissions staff wants to read.
Start your essay with an attention-grabbing lead--an anecdote, quote, question, or engaging description of a scene.
End your essay with a conclusion that refers back to the lead and restates your thesis.
Revise your essay at least three times.
In addition to your editing, ask someone else to critique your essay for you.
Proofread your essay by reading it out loud or reading it into a tape recorder and playing back the tape.
Write clearly, succinctly.
The Don'ts
According to the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary, a cliché is “a trite phrase or expression,” “a hackneyed theme, characterization, or situation,” or “something that has become overly familiar or commonplace.” The last thing you want in your essay is any of the above. Clichés make your writing appear lazy, your ideas ordinary, and your experiences typical. Arm yourself with the list below and eradicate these and other clichés from your writing.
1. I always learn from my mistakes
2. I know my dreams will come true
3. I can make a difference
4. _________ is my passion
5. I no longer take my loved ones for granted
6. These lessons are useful both on and off the field (or other sporting arena)
7. I realized the value of hard work and perseverance
8. _________ was the greatest lesson of all
9. I know what it is to triumph over adversity
10. _________ opened my eyes to a whole new world
I have learned a great many things from participating in varsity football. It has changed my entire outlook on and attitude toward life. Before my freshman year at [high-school], I was shy, had low self-esteem and turned away from seemingly impossible challenges. Football has altered all of these qualities. On the first day of freshman practice, the team warmed up with a game of touch football. The players were split up and the game began. However, during the game, I noticed that I didn’ t run as hard as I could, nor did I try to evade my defender and get open. The fact of the matter is that I really did not want to be thrown the ball. I didn’ t want to be the one at fault if I dropped the ball and the play didn’ t succeed. I did not want the responsibility of helping the team because I was too afraid of making a mistake. That aspect of my character led the first years of my high school life. I refrained from asking questions in class, afraid they might be considered too stupid or dumb by my classmates. All the while, I went to practice and everyday, I went home physically and mentally exhausted.
Yet my apprehension prevailed as I continued to fear getting put in the game in case another player was injured. I was still afraid of making mistakes and getting blamed by screaming coaches and angry teammates. Sometimes these fears came true. During my sophomore season, my position at backup guard led me to play in the varsity games on many occasions. On such occasions, I often made mistakes. Most of the time the mistakes were not significant; they rarely changed the outcome of a play. Yet I received a thorough verbal lashing at practice for the mistakes I had made. These occurrences only compounded my fears of playing. However, I did not always make mistakes. Sometimes I made great plays, for which I was congratulated. Now, as I dawn on my senior year of football and am faced with two starting positions, I feel like a changed person.
Over the years, playing football has taught me what it takes to succeed. From months of tough practices, I have gained a hard work ethic. From my coaches and fellow teammates, I have learned to work well with others in a group, as it is necessary to cooperate with teammates on the playing field. But most important, I have also gained self-confidence. If I fail, it doesn’ t matter if they mock or ridicule me; I’ ll just try again and do it better. I realize that it is necessary to risk failure in order to gain success. The coaches have always said before games that nothing is impossible; I know that now. Now, I welcome the challenge. Whether I succeed or fail is irrelevant; it is only important that I have tried and tested myself.
** ADMISSIONS COMMITTEE COMMENTS **
The topic of this essay is how the applicant has matured and changed since his freshman year. He focuses on football. One of the strengths of this essay is that it is well organized. The applicant clearly put time into the structure and planning of this essay. He uses the platform of football to discuss and demonstrate his personal growth and development through the high school years. What he could have done better was spend more time describing himself after he made improvements. As it is, he only tells us about his newfound confidence and drive. This essay would have been stronger had he actually shown us, perhaps by including a story or describing an event where his confidence made a difference.
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